You guys should know that when I walk through the parking garage and into the hospital and go up the elevator and into the critical care waiting area and get buzzed into the hallway and around the corner til I can see Andie's room I'm steeling myself for what's to come visually and emotionally and remembering all the vibes and love that you are sending our way.
Due to lack of time I haven't responded individually but I've read your messages and at times have been taken aback - I don't feel so strong or like I'm doing something unusual.
The power comes from gathering myself and the good stuff all in my mind when I'm going in to see her.
Right now the hardest part is walking away from her when I have to. I wonder if maybe just a few more moments of stimulation of her brain might make a difference? If something could take a turn? Will I miss it?
As I have to leave I think about how unfair it is that she has to be confined in that confusing, disoriented, weird, uncomfortable place - and I get to walk out into to the world. There but for the grace of God.....
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Now what???
Andie is still in her holding pattern. Somewhat awake at times and fighting the tubes and when she's alert you can still see the facial expressions of surprise... questioning... rapidly rising eyebrow - movements are using the left side , not the right... You can tell her to look at you and she can though sometimes she stares right through you --Well, Paula Deen was on TV so she took the attention away more than once. She was kind of playfully putting her foot on my legs at times and would pat, pat , pat on her leg or my hand and she seemed engrossed by my gold bracelet for some time but then again when I try to have her pat or squeeze my hand once or twice it goes un answered.
Then, as my Mom was putting out calls to let family members know what was up here we got the news that my uncle who has been having some issues and has been on a ventilator for a while has relapsed and is in the hospital with pneumonia and staph and is not doing well and so things with him seem to have taken a downward turn.
I'm ever the optimist and believe that positive thinking and karma are real cause-and-effect things. I'm sooo done with all this bad news!
Then, as my Mom was putting out calls to let family members know what was up here we got the news that my uncle who has been having some issues and has been on a ventilator for a while has relapsed and is in the hospital with pneumonia and staph and is not doing well and so things with him seem to have taken a downward turn.
I'm ever the optimist and believe that positive thinking and karma are real cause-and-effect things. I'm sooo done with all this bad news!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Raw Emotions
Excited! The nurse said since alarms went off when I walked in and that's what it all means in Andie's world right now.... Okay then, at least she didn't tell me to get lost and drive back home!
Right now without regard for being polite or how it makes people feel or anything other than where she is at that moment in time you can see what she's feeling and going through by reading her face.
In my notes from today I wrote: Confused, Amused, Sad, Irritated, Inquisitive.
There seems to be a rhythm to her rest and activity but the nurses have said it's hard to rest there with all the "normal" ICU sounds and with the fact that they do wake the patients at least every hour just to be sure that they still wake up.
There are some very active times - Oh... was she unhappy about me and the nurse putting a mitt on her hand so she couldn't pull out the feeding tube going into her stomach.
Boy, did that hand flap around and did she make all kinds of frowns even when she saw it coming at her and later just because the mitt was there. Sorry, but I didn't want to even take a chance of things being pulled out. I was able to hold her hand under the mitt but it was a big deal to her. We knew her intent... get this off!!!! NOW!!!
I tell her "Look At Me!" when I have something important to say to her about what's going on- and she usually does. The whole time I'm telling her that she's in a good place and she's with good people and to try to get better anat times you can see : Wild eyes and unbelieving eyes and left leg trying to go over the bedrail and once trying to kick near my head... alrighty then, good exercize in a case like this - maybe she does want me to go home??
Her left hand reached out and petted my sleeve and she pulls on my bracelet and pats our hands when she's in good humor all while moving her left leg.
The trach tube seems like a better situation for breathing. Still general discomfort.
At times when she's moving about we can see the frustration / sadness that her right side is not doing what she wants it to do.
She was just irritated in general early today and when we came back she seemed to be asleep and though Mom and I stayed for quite a while there was not much more than an eyebrow lift or two as we talked in the room. They did switch up the pain meds so maybe that's the reason for the difference.
I hope each day we'll Keep Moving Forward.
Right now without regard for being polite or how it makes people feel or anything other than where she is at that moment in time you can see what she's feeling and going through by reading her face.
In my notes from today I wrote: Confused, Amused, Sad, Irritated, Inquisitive.
There seems to be a rhythm to her rest and activity but the nurses have said it's hard to rest there with all the "normal" ICU sounds and with the fact that they do wake the patients at least every hour just to be sure that they still wake up.
There are some very active times - Oh... was she unhappy about me and the nurse putting a mitt on her hand so she couldn't pull out the feeding tube going into her stomach.
Boy, did that hand flap around and did she make all kinds of frowns even when she saw it coming at her and later just because the mitt was there. Sorry, but I didn't want to even take a chance of things being pulled out. I was able to hold her hand under the mitt but it was a big deal to her. We knew her intent... get this off!!!! NOW!!!
I tell her "Look At Me!" when I have something important to say to her about what's going on- and she usually does. The whole time I'm telling her that she's in a good place and she's with good people and to try to get better anat times you can see : Wild eyes and unbelieving eyes and left leg trying to go over the bedrail and once trying to kick near my head... alrighty then, good exercize in a case like this - maybe she does want me to go home??
Her left hand reached out and petted my sleeve and she pulls on my bracelet and pats our hands when she's in good humor all while moving her left leg.
The trach tube seems like a better situation for breathing. Still general discomfort.
At times when she's moving about we can see the frustration / sadness that her right side is not doing what she wants it to do.
She was just irritated in general early today and when we came back she seemed to be asleep and though Mom and I stayed for quite a while there was not much more than an eyebrow lift or two as we talked in the room. They did switch up the pain meds so maybe that's the reason for the difference.
I hope each day we'll Keep Moving Forward.
Better every day
Yesterday - two weeks since the surgery - (oh yes, I'm counting the days) Andie was doing well enough to sit on the side of her bed - for a short time, not huge news but it's still improvement. apparently her nights have not been very restful so my parents have been limiting the time they spend with her so she can get the rest she needs. I'm headed up now - to get there for morning visiting hours and so how things have improved for myself. I've got pictures of my boys to hang in her room. They don't allow kids under 12 in the Critical Care unit and I can see why, the sights and sounds there can be scary even for a grown-up. Plus I don't think they'd want Josh hollering up and down the hallways. The kids has no volume control his lips are still only while he's sleeping... he literally talks himself to sleep.... and he's LOUD and I think Dima would be freaked out by it all.
About how Andie knew she had the aneurysm in the first place: At one point she had lots of energy and was having a good time at work when all of a sudden she lost the energy and could not get up to move around. She had flu like symptoms and a severe headache - she told me at the time that it felt like a migraine or like she was having a stroke, since someone else at her work had the same type of symptoms and she thought it was just related to the flu. After a few days the headache persisted and she passed our while sitting in - not driving, thank God! - her car after coming out of a grocery store in Allentown. When she came to she was not sure if she was coming from or going to work. Around the same time people at work noticed that she was grasping for words and somewhat confused at times. A good friend took her to the Lehigh Valley Hospital Center thinking they'd give her a pill for migraines and she'd be on her way. Wow, little did any of us thing she'd have her head cut open, little clothespin-like clamps put on a blood vessel, some of her brain cells taken out because of the damage to them!, multiple tests and scans, and still be there on the road to recovery two weeks later. How things can change!
So, I'm outta here and will report later from my parents' house.
About how Andie knew she had the aneurysm in the first place: At one point she had lots of energy and was having a good time at work when all of a sudden she lost the energy and could not get up to move around. She had flu like symptoms and a severe headache - she told me at the time that it felt like a migraine or like she was having a stroke, since someone else at her work had the same type of symptoms and she thought it was just related to the flu. After a few days the headache persisted and she passed our while sitting in - not driving, thank God! - her car after coming out of a grocery store in Allentown. When she came to she was not sure if she was coming from or going to work. Around the same time people at work noticed that she was grasping for words and somewhat confused at times. A good friend took her to the Lehigh Valley Hospital Center thinking they'd give her a pill for migraines and she'd be on her way. Wow, little did any of us thing she'd have her head cut open, little clothespin-like clamps put on a blood vessel, some of her brain cells taken out because of the damage to them!, multiple tests and scans, and still be there on the road to recovery two weeks later. How things can change!
So, I'm outta here and will report later from my parents' house.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Much Improvement
My parents report much improvement in Andie today. She's more alert than she had been and looking around the room, rubbing hands and arms that are close to her and seemed to smile when my dad made a joke. She still tries to take the trach tube out when her hands are free so they still have her hands tied down for her own good. They seem to think that if she gets the tube out since things are swollen they'll have trouble getting it back in - not good.
Chris has a job interview tomorrow so I'll need to be here with the boys when they get home from school so my trip up to Allentown will have to wait til Saturday. Then the kids are involved in hockey games for the weekend so I'll stay in Whitehall with my parents at least til Sunday evening.
Chris has a job interview tomorrow so I'll need to be here with the boys when they get home from school so my trip up to Allentown will have to wait til Saturday. Then the kids are involved in hockey games for the weekend so I'll stay in Whitehall with my parents at least til Sunday evening.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
To Andie Since I last saw you awake
This will be for her to read once she's back to normal. (As normal as she ever was... I can say that- I'm her sister!)
Since I last saw you awake...
It's now February, 2010.
It's hard to imagine waking up two weeks after going under general anesthetic.
On January 29, 2010 I was introduced to the Critical Care Unit of the Lehigh Valley Hospital Center and the people there know me and Mom and Dad by sight. Dr. Li was your surgeon he's got an impressive resume and we felt comfortable with him. Like he would have answered our questions all night after the surgery. I think you're lucky to be so close to cutting edge care.
The boys and Chris went to Vermont with the rest of the family - The kids were in ski school at Okemo during the first week you were out of it. Dima skied a black diamond and was rated a level 8 in their ski school. Josh skied Hot Dog Hill and talks about it all the time and he's now started snow boarding in our back yard. Right now the snow's a little too deep he can barely walk in it- Oh yeah, we've had two major snow storms and have about 45 inches of snow on the ground right now.
The Super Bowl was played last Sunday.
Dad and I went over to your house to tidy up so you're set when you're ready come back. Mom did laundry and they have some stuff at their house in case you come back there before you're ready to go to your place.
Your friends, neighbors, co-workers and the family were all concerned about how you're doing and I sat down about once a day to keep everyone up to date on your progress. I've also got a notebook I make notes in when we talk to the docs and nurses so I can remember what they said and so I can look stuff up when I have internet access and so you can see what's been going on too.
... If I think more to write I'll edit it in later.
Since I last saw you awake...
It's now February, 2010.
It's hard to imagine waking up two weeks after going under general anesthetic.
On January 29, 2010 I was introduced to the Critical Care Unit of the Lehigh Valley Hospital Center and the people there know me and Mom and Dad by sight. Dr. Li was your surgeon he's got an impressive resume and we felt comfortable with him. Like he would have answered our questions all night after the surgery. I think you're lucky to be so close to cutting edge care.
The boys and Chris went to Vermont with the rest of the family - The kids were in ski school at Okemo during the first week you were out of it. Dima skied a black diamond and was rated a level 8 in their ski school. Josh skied Hot Dog Hill and talks about it all the time and he's now started snow boarding in our back yard. Right now the snow's a little too deep he can barely walk in it- Oh yeah, we've had two major snow storms and have about 45 inches of snow on the ground right now.
The Super Bowl was played last Sunday.
Dad and I went over to your house to tidy up so you're set when you're ready come back. Mom did laundry and they have some stuff at their house in case you come back there before you're ready to go to your place.
Your friends, neighbors, co-workers and the family were all concerned about how you're doing and I sat down about once a day to keep everyone up to date on your progress. I've also got a notebook I make notes in when we talk to the docs and nurses so I can remember what they said and so I can look stuff up when I have internet access and so you can see what's been going on too.
... If I think more to write I'll edit it in later.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Some Improvement
A little bit of good news: The tracheotomy operation this morning went well and the tube for breathing that was in Andie's mouth and a potential place for bacteria and stuff to grow is now out of there.
And a little bit of bad news: As they drove to the hospital this afternoon my parents got a call to okay a filter in the blood lines since they've detected blood clots in her arms and legs. They said they'd be at the hospital soon but the docs didn't want to wait that long so they okayed it and they went ahead and got it done right away.
Some more good news: The general sedation has been turned off and now her eyes are open and she's looking around the room. The nurses have indicated that she should be better each day now that she's off the sedation but she's still got a mitten kind of thing on her hand so she doesn't pull tubes out. My dad said they tried to get her to blink her eyes on command and while she did once if they asked her to blink twice it would take quite a while between blinks. Hard to say what that is, just reflex? The times I was there and they brought down the sedation they tried to get her to hold up two fingers or thumbs up but that hasn't happened yet. I'm glad things are looking up and at least she's coming around - it was tough to see her like that and I'm really looking forward to getting back up there to see for myself - she's still in Critical Care but hopefully she'll be better and better every day.
And a little bit of bad news: As they drove to the hospital this afternoon my parents got a call to okay a filter in the blood lines since they've detected blood clots in her arms and legs. They said they'd be at the hospital soon but the docs didn't want to wait that long so they okayed it and they went ahead and got it done right away.
Some more good news: The general sedation has been turned off and now her eyes are open and she's looking around the room. The nurses have indicated that she should be better each day now that she's off the sedation but she's still got a mitten kind of thing on her hand so she doesn't pull tubes out. My dad said they tried to get her to blink her eyes on command and while she did once if they asked her to blink twice it would take quite a while between blinks. Hard to say what that is, just reflex? The times I was there and they brought down the sedation they tried to get her to hold up two fingers or thumbs up but that hasn't happened yet. I'm glad things are looking up and at least she's coming around - it was tough to see her like that and I'm really looking forward to getting back up there to see for myself - she's still in Critical Care but hopefully she'll be better and better every day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)